“Our soul waits for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.”
This is the verse (Psalm 33: 20-22 ) that has been written on a note card and taped on our mirror in the bathroom for some time now. Each morning and night as I brushed my teeth and stood there, I read these verses and prayed over them. I prayed with slight heartache, but at the same time reassured because I know my hope is found in something greater and regardless of my circumstance my heart will continue to be glad in Him. It hasn’t always easy, but through this whole journey of infertility I am so thankful God has been there every step of the way teaching me and growing me.
So to back up a little bit, I always knew the journey of infertility may be something I would be faced with in the future, but I never knew to what extent or what that would look like. When I was in high school I actually began going to the OB/GYN to help regulate my hormones and cycle each month. They said that later on down the road we would see what happened, but infertility may be something I would be faced with. Oh my goodness, do you know how hard that is to hear as a high school girl who feels she feels she was created to be a mom someday! I mean maybe that’s no big deal to some people, but to me, that was my dream, to get married, have lots of kids, and be a stay at home mom. What would that look like now? Would my dream suddenly change? I remember leaving the doctor’s office one day with my mom, getting out to the parking lot and crying so hard. I knew God had a plan with all of this, but at the time I was so uncertain of what that meant. I tried to shove it under the carpet and not think anything about it. To be honest, that was years away, but still that was always a thought that I had in the back of my head.
So one year of marriage passed, and then another. We had our sweet German Shepherd and at this point I was finishing up grad school. We had always talked about growing our family after that and trusted God’s timing would be perfect. Again I didn’t know what that would look like, but I am forever grateful for Josh’s love and support along the way and know God has given me the most amazing man to be my husband. As we started this new season, we had no idea how many doctors appointments we would have in a single week or the number of trips we would be making to the pharmacy. Anyone that has gone through infertility or is going through infertility my heart goes out to you. I know each person’s story looks different, but I know the journey can be very difficult and long. The desire to have a baby and grow your family, the feelings of unknown and uncertainty, and the constant roller coaster of emotions through the process can be totally overwhelming. Fixing our eyes on God and trusting His loving faithfulness was the only way we were able to get through it.
So we began our medication for the first month, my hormones went crazy and Josh didn’t know what he signed up for. I will never forget this month though how much my eyes were opened to seeing God’s intricate design and miracle of a child. Can I just tell you, it is truly amazing all the little details that come together to bring new life. I would have never fully understood if it was not for this precious opportunity. I mean I know that God is all powerful and the creator of the universe, but never did I realize how miraculous life truly was. As I read Psalm 139: 13-14 now it carries a whole new meaning.
“For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.”
Several months went by and we had negative pregnancy tests. We started trying a stronger medication with injections to help with the process. At this point the doctor had even asked if we wanted to move towards IVF to control things a little better, but we decided to wait. With fertility medicine they always said there was a slight chance of multiples, but only 1 in 800,000 people have quads. Ultimately we always knew God was in control! So after our most recent round of fertility meds almost a year later, the day finally came to take a pregnancy test. It was positive!! Thank you Lord, what a blessing and a miracle!!!
The next week we went in for an early ultrasound. Before our appointment that morning, I had been praying that God would prepare our hearts and that we would be trusting in Him with everything. Little did I know at the time what I was even praying for, but during our first ultrasound they actually thought we were having triplets. Josh and I both stared at the screen. All I could do was laugh! Laugh because who am I to think that I am in control, laugh because we had so desperately wanted to grow our family, and God said here I will show you, and laugh because I was speechless and had no other words to say. Josh sat there next to me looking at the screen, holding his head up with his arms and carrying a blank stare on his face. Wow, God, wow was all I could say!! I clearly remember saying it is no mistake! God knew from the very beginning what our story was going to look like and that this was the beautiful journey He was going to create!
As the next week went by, we continued trying to wrap our little minds around God’s greatness. We were overjoyed and could not wait to see our little ones again the following week. We were once again praying God would prepare our hearts for our appointment. What a blessing it was to already think there were 3, but as the sonographer began to show us she said there was also a fourth little one that had been hiding and was overlooked the week before. At that point I’m not going to lie, my knees began to shake and my heart beat a little faster. Four, Lord?! Oh my goodness, really?! I was still excited, but I knew three was already a lot for my body to handle. What would that look like with four? For the babies’ health? For my health?
I will never forget driving away from that appointment thinking who am I to think that my life is my own? Who am I to have my life all planned out? To plan how many kids we would have and when? And who am I to think life would be easy? No, it wasn’t going to be easy and no it wasn’t going to be “normal” by any means, but who am I to say that my way or plan was best?! The verse that I reflect on in every season of life and continue to reflect on today brings so much truth!
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
While Quadruplets was by no means what we had ever imagined or planned, God obviously had a different plan. A wonderful plan we know, even if we still can’t wrap our minds around it, even if it feels crazy and out of control. As the weeks have continued there have definitely been ups and downs already along the way. God has already grown us so much and we cannot wait to see how He continues to work in mighty ways!